Leatherhead 0 - 1 Felixstowe & Walton

One, twice, three times a lady.  Chertsey, Redhill and now Felixstow & Walton; all lower placed opposition and all have dispatched us from a cup competition this season.

The game started well for Leatherhead.  Our hosts were either tired from the journey or giving us too much respect as we piled on pressure but lacked the finishing touch.

The Lip! won't hear of a bad word said about Jerry, as yet again he gave his all for 87 minutes but when will this "up-front" experiment end?  I hear in interviews he worries defences but the only thing that hasn't been too troubled since we started playing him there is the back of the net.  Notably, midway through the first half with the ball hanging tantalisingly on the line, he headed over from point blank range.

With the first half seemingly going our way, I also found it strange Nikki would feel impassioned enough to engage with an official in a manner to get himself sent off.  He watched from the sidelines in the first half and from the bar in the second.

Out for the second half and Felixstow shook off their stage fright and worked us out.  Stop Charlie Hester-Cook from receiving the ball and put two men on Jerry from goal kicks.  Simple.

The game was still a bit of a stalemate until they appeared to get a slice of luck.  A deflected cross sailed up into the air and over Zaki like a ponytailless David Seamon.

On came Great Evans to play upfront with Jerry which did not really change the attacking dynamic and we petered out to another cup exit.

That is that then and until we hear otherwise it could well be all we see from Leatherhead this season...

Felixstow & Walton are coming!

Football returns to the Grove next Tuesday in the shape of the FA Trophy.  I haven't been a big fan of this competition over the years but if I have learned anything over the past few weeks, Leatherhead needs supporters to turn up!

Working in compliance I thought interpreting Government guidance would be easy, but it hasn't been.  The size of scotch egg needed to serve alcohol is one thing but at one point it looked unlikely the club could even offer a cup of tea... not ideal as Tuesday will no doubt be a double-socker.

Tickets are available via the new ticketing system.  Kick off at 7.45.  See you there!

Tanners 2 - 3 Redhill

Leatherhead crash out to a Redhill side placed near the foot of the table, two divisions below them on the last night of football we will see for a while.

While Redhill have been conceding goals in their league, they can score them too with 16 already this season.  Their goal scoring touch did not desert them last night as they pounced on a low cross into the box and fired a powerful shot into the bottom right and corner.

Jerry should be awarded Freedom of the Town and nothing he can do can convince me otherwise.  Playing upfront again, he showed footwork no centre back should possess when surrounded by three defenders. 

He also won a penalty, with a ball mid flight a defender cynically tripped him hoping the ref would miss the off the ball incident.  He didn't and it was promptly awarded for Great Evans to score confidently.

Into the second half and just when I felt (and ruddy tweeted) the game was heading to penalties it sprang into life.

First of all Redhill pounced - I forget the details - only for Leatherhead to get another penalty.  Hester-Cook darted into the box and was clearly tripped.  The ref took an absolute age after seemingly performing a no foul hand gesture but made the right decision and awarded it.  Great Evans, again, made no mistake.

Not soon after Redhill won a freekick on the edge of the box and sent in a beautiful cross which was met by an unmarked player, giving our deputy 'keeper no chance.

I write these reports pretending I know something about football tactics but it should be abundantly clear I do not.  I can only assume, then, the decision to throw another central defender up front with Jerry was an attempt to confuse Redhill into which direction they were playing and lure them into scoring an own goal as his presence created nothing of merit.

If it is any consolation, this is a cup that is unlikely to be concluded this season but Redhill cared not when the whistle blew.  They wildly celebrated a well deserved win as we trudged off dreaming of what could have been last year.

That's all folks until further notice...

Redhill are coming

There can be no excuses to miss this one.  The visit of Redhill sees us play in the last game for the foreseeable future in a competition we could (and last year perhaps should have) win.

Redhill ply their trade in the Combined Counties League Premier Division and sit in 18th place with a goal difference of -13... 

Kick off at 7.45.  See you there!

Tanners 3 - 1 Potters Bar

2020/21 may prove to be first season in which we remain unbeaten in the FA Trophy. Even in 1978 we lost in the final.

Despite any confidentiality clauses that may have been signed, it soon became clear that Jerry was going to be playing up front again. Chloe confirmed that we would always rather play him at the back but that we had no other options at the moment. Chloe probably wasn't aware that Peter Crouch was available and had been spotted in the town that very afternoon.

Potters Bar never really got going and seemed as disinterested in the FA Trophy as some of our less resilient supporters who would rather brave the winds and go for a blow on Worthing pier.

Joe Leslie is proving to be our Olivier Award winner this season and completed a fine hat trick. Let's hope that Woking don't find out how well he is playing, although they will be allowed to play when we won't so I guess it won't matter.

There is no apparent reason why we can't play Redhill in the Surrey Senior Cup on Tuesday but that could be it until December 5th at least. Our non-elite status, which has benefited us so far by allowing us to attend games, is likely to prevent us from playing.

Potters Bar are coming

Tomorrow sees the arrival of Potters Bar in the FA Trophy, on what is forecast to be a blustery day all round.

I am not a big fan of this competition, but I appreciate that with an early FA Cup exit such competitions allow us to potentially build up some much needed income.

Kick off at 3pm.  Good luck fellas.

Corithinian-Casuals 0 - 0 Tanners

The highlight of the day, for me, was the Toby Carvery I sat down to before the game.  A plate, piled so high with meaty finery, I didn't know whether to eat it or climb it.

As the game began, I started to take stock of the situation.  A bogey ground and difficult conditions did not, in itself, make for a great game for Leatherhead.  Then it became apparent Jerry was playing upfront.  This was either an act of desperation or it was Jerry's birthday.  A penny for Great Evans's thoughts though...

The advanced Jerry did cause some problems and nearly set up a goal in the opening minutes.  Overall though, it was a fairly tame and evenly balanced game.

In the second half, the home side came closest to scoring.  A desperate goalline clearance prevented a certain goal but fell to a Casuals player who fired it back in to force Zak into a fine save.

While we did warm the glove of the 'keeper once, we did very little to really threaten the goal.  In the dying minutes Joe Leslie, who has been a joy to watch over the last few games, infuriated the travelling support by blasting over with two wild left foot shots from distance.

0-0 it ended in front of a 600 crowd (where did all these Corinthian-Casuals supporters come from!?) and now we prepare for the complete waste of time that is the FA Trophy.

Brightlingsea 3 - 0 Tanners

Tanners fell foul to new-manager syndrome last night, losing 3-0 to Brighlingsea and almost doubled their point tally in doing so.

The damage was done in the first half and Leatherhead trudged into the dressing room 3-0 and feeling every yard of the 200 mile round trip.

The game is closer to home on Saturday with a trip to the bogey ground that is Corinthian-Casuals...

Tanners 2 - 0 Folkestone

Leatherhead took all three points against a much-fancied team despite the sudden absence of two players due to COVID.

It could not have started any better.  A long ball from the back from Zak was touched into the path of Crossley who took the ball into stride and hit a low powerful shot into the bottom right after just 14 seconds.  

He could have doubled the lead a few minutes later but opted to side foot the ball rather than a header, which may have been easier to direct on goal.

Leatherhead defender really well.  While Folkestone got more into the game after 20 minutes, we always looked comfortable throughout the first half.

It was a rather miserable day for Sammy Moore.  He did pull off a handful of stunning passes, that we remember well, but other than that his contributions were mainly falling over, telling other people what to do and watching helplessly while Andrew Briggs bent a freekick over his head and into the goal. 

Folkestone did have a brief spell of pressure.  The brunt of this pressure was felt by Will Seager's face as he put his body on the line to prevent a near certain goal at point blank range.

An impressive display, but impressive enough to tempt me to make the trip to Brightlingsea?  We will see...

Folkestone are coming

A rare mid-week off from football, but time to focus on the game and the visitors tomorrow.

Football is a fickle beast.  Lead Leatherhead to the Second Round of the FA Cup and the final of the Surrey Senior, you'd expect to get a hero's welcome.  Leave suddenly, with broken 5-year-plan promises, having made agreements before said final and you can kiss that welcome goodbye...

Kick off at 3pm.  See you there!

Enfield Town 1 - 0 Tanners

Having shipped 9 goals in their last two games, Enfields set up proved to be solid and difficult for us to break down, with the exception of a Will Salmon header in the first half I cannot remember another close effort. 

Enfield, on the other hand, have a potent striker at their disposal in the form of Bricknell.  He was good enough to be on Billericay's high-flying payroll and he is good enough now.  He took his chance and it was enough to grab all three points.

No mid-week game to look forward but we welcome back the dodgy knees and five year plan of Sammy Moore when he returns to the Grove with Folkestone on Saturday...

Travelling Tanners

Today Leatherhead travel to Enfield town for this league cup fixture. It is ticket in advance and the last time I looked they were only 20 tickets so make sure you buy before you travel.

Leatherhead are playing not just with an elephant in the room, it is more than that. The elephant is the room.  Hopefully they will focus on the game today.

Kick off at 3pm.  Good luck fellas.

Tanners 4 - 3 Worthing

Up until tonight, there were students on campus that were having more shots than Leatherhead so it was inconceivable that we could go on and score four goals... but somehow we did in an absolute thriller.

Leatherhead, again, looked bright in their passing game.  While there is always a danger this peters out but Dan Rowe collected the ball in the box and cleverly found the bottom right corner.

Worthing struck back with a spectacular freekick awarded by a ref who would go on to award any flop or yelp coming from the south coast side; and there were plenty of those.

1-1 at half time and Worthing came out with a real purpose.  It looked inevitable that a rout would soon follow until Joe Leslie pulled off a small piece of magic.  A lofted ball sent him chasing and as it arrived, perfectly, to him on the edge of the box there was already a lot to do.  

Under pressure and with the angle on the goal not getting any wider he brought it down and quickly sent it into the bottom right. He has looked like our most threatening player over the last two games so fitting he would finally get his reward.

The game then appeared to swing firmly in the favour of the visitors.  First there was a free header to make it 202.  The 'keeper sensed the game had swung and made a point of directing his celebration to the home fans.  Mistake.

Soon it was 2-3 with a penalty.  It looked to me like our defender was initially fouled.  As he stumbled to regain his footing the Worthing player turned into him and took a flop.  Zak guessed the right way but it was too high and powerful.

At 3-2 I decided the game was far enough beyond our reach that I chose the moment to inform my friends of a new free source of firewood that would see me through winter.  An anecdote so dull it lulled the defence into a coma and we mounted our counter-attack.

First of all Stefan Brown swivelled and fired past the 'keeper before a dramatic attack saw the ball strike the post only for it to fall to the head of Crossley Lema's head who sent it into the back of the net.

Wild celebrations and prolonged scenes of appreciation to a side that has really started to play smart attacking football.  A change of this formation, with returning players, could really be a Great mistake...

Tanners 0 - 0 Margate

It is amazing how opinions on football differ.  Listening to interviews, people indicated the second half was more enjoyable but I found something beautiful in the first.

We were playing ball to feet in intricate play rather than hoof-and-hope football we have seen recently.  It was like watching a team of pond skaters as they glided and skipped around the stubborn Margate defense.

It's true; we only asked basic questions such as what is the capital of France? and what is the square root of 16?  and not challenging ones such as What are the Articles of Association of a company used for?  Answers to the latter, you just can't make up and wing...

Second half we did come out more but so did Margate when they were through one on one but their shot went well wide.

Something to build on and take into tonight's game when our old friends come up the A24; Worthing are our visitors and it is a 7.45 kick off.

Margate are coming...

Off the pitch, the "whodunit mystery" appears to be turning into a who-didn't one as Twitter is ablaze with rumour and counter rumour.  Meanwhile my CV lies on a boardroom floor; shredded into a thousand pieces...

In other news, Margate come to the Grove if the weather allows.  Today's storm and tonight's rain may have the last word on the game.

Keep an eye out for updates and juicy gossip!

Haringey 0 - 1 Tanners

Match report via Jeremy Smith

Well in the absence of our media crew and our board a hastily set up committee was formed in the Tanners Tour Bus to take advantage of going to one of the best grounds in the Isthmian League, Haringey Borough.

 

Early auspices were not great with a player missing, though Nikki was looking particularly dapper and while Haringey took to the field looking like gladiators awaiting the arrival of a lambs to be slaughtered, the Leatherhead players crept out of the dressing room like naughty schoolboys clutching their bottoms.

 

However, this was a different Leatherhead team from Saturday, Stefan Brown was back at no. 9 and so was Crossley Lema. Jack Currie is now with us till January and we looked solid at the back for the first time this season.  The first half was reminiscent of the Horsham match and we should have been three ahead with a great looping drive from Dan Rowe in the opening minutes and several other shots. Will Seager was imperious in defense (I bet Bryan is looking that word up in the dictionary this morning) and Will Salmon came forward to great advantage, though had to run back pretty quickly as well. Haringey too looked dangerous on the break and if they hadn't gone for a conversion rather than a goal from about 12 yards out, we would have been one down.  They also had what was agreed to be one of the worst shots in the history of the modern game, a low rasping drive heading for the corner flag.

 

Half time came with honours about even.  I felt that at the time, I would have happily walked away with a draw, but after going round the one way system to buy a hot dog from the empty tea bar (***** with lots of onions), I went to try and find our illustrious match day secretary in the stand. I had just sat down on the middle of about 50 raucous Haringey fans when Dan Rowe scored a wonder goal.  My celebrations were muted but the Haringey guys behind me did ask if we were the same team that got slaughtered 7:0 on Saturday as they thought we were rather good. Though, those may not have been their exact words.

 

I had to leave the stand after another 20 minutes of "Tom Loizou's Blue and Yellow Army" to join the committee behind the goal in time to witness Zaki making yet another fantastic save.  It was also the first time in living memory that he never kicked the ball so hard it went for a goal kick at the other end.  We should have scored at least three more, Stefan had one disallowed for offside, Dan Rowe just missed a cross goal pass and Ryan Huckle should have scored with a header (his dad and brother is going to have words with him on that!).

 

And then came then the end-game, Misha )whose shorts seem to get longer every week), Dan Hector and Jerry came on and we started to get deeper and deeper but held out to the end. We did seem to still be passing the ball out to Great Evans who wasn't there (hope he's OK!!). I would have thought that keeping possession when 1:0 up with ten minutes left would seem to be quite a sensible game plan which we should practice more rather than kicking the ball out to the centre spot where there was no-one there.  Possibly slightly better than keeping giving away corners which luckily Haringey (unlike Horsham) where pretty shit at.

 

Anyway, a fantastic win, all Counsellors appointments cancelled, Valium thrown down the loo and Bowers and Pitsea is forgotten.  The League is ours together with the Velocity Cup, the FA Trophy, the Surrey Senior Cup and the Mrs Joyful Prize for Rafia Work.

 

Man of the match – could be Will Seager cos' his Dad bought me a pint but in reality it was Dan Rowe. Him and Stefan Brown really play well together.  Joe Leslie also put in a stint but like Travis last season, he needs to lay off the ball before going past the umpteenth defender.  Cracking free-kick though.

 

All in all a great game but it made me a little sad seeing the enthusiasm and friendliness of the Haringey fans, the number of volunteers and the wonderful community set-up.  This is what non-league football should be about.

Bowers & Pitsea 7 - 0 Tanners

I reflected Saturday night on the two games of football I had seen that day.  First up was my son's Under 17 team.  They had depleted numbers with only 12 turning up but Peter pulled up injured in the warm up, so they had no subs.  Their defensive midfielder then went off injured after 15 minutes, so they played one of the strongest sides with only 10 players.  They also had to contend with an incompetent referee's assistant (me), unable to keep up with play.  This team managed to keep the score to six and battled on to grab a goal themselves. 

Their manager, someone who attended this game also, told them that they should be proud of their hard work and fighting spirit; neither of which could be applied to Leatherhead .  It is hard to find players to praise.  Perhaps with a clever use of punctuation I could say Charlie, Hester & Cook to convince myself we had three worthy of praise... other than that I am struggling.

Toothless upfront we never looked like scoring apart from striking the bar from a well struck Charlie shot.  This gave Bowers & Pitsea free range to attack.  They opened the scoring with a freekick before a mix up gifted them the second.

The first half was a disaster, but we had the gale at our backs.  Now we faced an up-wind battle to get anything from the game and failed miserably as four goals - of which became such a blur I cannot begin to describe them - in twelve minutes.  I stayed on out of morbid curiosity to see how big the score could become but did leave early enough to be spared their seventh.

Haringey will be licking their lips for tonight's game, as we travel to North London... kick off at 7.45.

Travelling Tanners

Off to Basildon way for today's league fixture, after the bitter disappointment of the cup mid-week.

This was the game where we first saw Sherringham, a striker that strutted around like he had a famous dad but little desire.

Kick off at 3pm. See you there.

Tanners 0 - 0 Cheatsey (Leatherhead lose 4-5 on penalties)

With the ref's whistle still ringing in their ears, from having three players sent off on Saturday, Chertsey set their stall out to get in the faces of Leatherhead and get on top of the referee.  It worked, beautifully.  

Their bench stood on the touchline, ready to leap out and complain while their players surrounded the ref and pushed and shoved to get a reaction.  The writing was on the wall as early as the fourth minute when Charlie Hester-Cook got involved with a committed tackle (but nothing out of the ordinary) and up they all went and got him a yellow card (how he managed to stay on the pitch is beyond me).

The ref won't be on our Christmas card list as he went on to not give three potential penalties.  First Charlie was brought down and while the ball did move it was from a touch from the falling Leatherhead player as the defender got nowhere near it. Then the 'keeper dropped a ball, went to kick it, missed and cleared out a Leatherhead player with a high boot.  Finally, Jerry was clattered into as he waited for a header by a player making no attempt to win the ball.  There was even talk of a handball to make it four.

Then the moment that really changed the game.  A long ball and the chasing Evans was offside but either didn't hear the whistle or didn't care and carried on.  The 'keeper, oh so innocent despite being sent off on Saturday, came out and they met with a bang.  Both with legs raised but the lino only saw one guilty party and Great Evans joins the ranks of Joe Sheerin, Sammy Moore and Dave Stevens for being sent off for violent conduct in a FA competition.

Leatherhead, with ten men, went onto work; hard.  Chertsey had one or two chances but had no real answer to the defensive problem Leatherhead had set.

Leatherhead were further incensed when he awarded Chertsey a penalty in the last few minutes.  The ball clearly struck the raised arm of a Leatherhead defender but he didn't give it.  After three or four seconds, our old mate the lino stepped in and gave it.  Their number five, who may as well have taken the whistle off of the ref, stepped up and smashed it into the bar.  Justice was, temporarily, served.

Under the new format, there is no replay nor - thankfully - extra time.  Just straight to penalties.  Supporting Leatherhead is much like supporting England.  The hope and endeavour, only to bravely lose and I was reminded of England v Argentina as we stepped up to take our penalties.

All of Chertsey's penalties were confident and gave Zak no chance.  Our first two were unconvincing but did the job.  Our third looked dodgy from the start; I never like a player that takes an extra hop, skip or jump and that's what he did before sending it into orbit.  

Our fourth was well taken and then Zak stood up to take one.  Those who travelled to Charshalton were already heading for the door but he probably took our best penalty, powerfully sending it to the side netting.  Credit then to the Number 5 who, having missed one, must have felt the pressure but powered his penalty into the top corner.

Out of the FA Cup we crash and no lick our wounds for the trip to Bowers & Pitsea on Saturday...

Travelling Tanners

Tonight we travel to Chertsey for this banana peel of a game.  Our hosts know all about FA competitions; winning the FA Vase in 2019, beating our old friends Cray Valley PM in the final.

While it is always disappointing conceding a relatively late equaliser, a 1-1 draw against Horsham isn't to be sniffed at.  Apply the same intensity and we should be fine...

Directions can be found on your printed ticket (not on pink paper please!).  Kick off at 7.45.  See you there!