Tanners 1 - 0 Hanworth Villa

Leatherhead rode our luck, our injuries, and rode on the back of our loan player, to reach the 4th qualifying round for the first time since 2017. 

That was the year we beat Margate away 2-1, and went on to play Billericay in the 1st round proper. Toxic waster dumper Glenn Tamplinn, child puncherJamie O’Hara, drink driver Jermaine Pennant, and mercenary Paul Konchesky, were all humiliated by the famous Leatherhead. 

Today was always going to be a tough game. We like Hanworth Villa for stopping lowly Westfield getting promoted, and for having a manger who speaks truthfully and respectfully. 

Ol’ blue eyes Dicko, Cam Black, and Harry were all missing meaning that Kofie was asked to play alongside Mark Waters again. He will need an ice bath and an oxygen tent after today as Haworth ran us raged for large parts of the game. 

The first half was a cagey affair with Hanworth gradually starting to take advantage of our make shift midfield. The 2nd half started in the same vein and it felt like we were playing Farnham all over again. 

On 67’ Sonny bought down an attacker, who was about to round him and score, and a penalty was awarded. This proved to be an excellent decision by Sonny because he’d saved 4 penalties three days earlier and did so again. 

This rejuvenated our tired legs and agent provocateur Charlie Kennet enticed a right hook from Elliot Bolton who was duly sent off. This act probably cost Hanworth the game. Our lads now started to believe that our number was on a ball due to be picked out by Hawksby and Jacobs at 2pm on Monday. 

The Hanworth keeper who could have sat in a deckchair for most of the game was suddenly sat on his ass as Tom Dryer (who looks and scores goals like Fernando Torres) rifled the ball into the net with a flourishing finish. Scenes. 

If the one in 63 chance of playing Southend becomes a reality it will take place on Saturday October 17th. Sadly the odds of playing Dorking are just the same. 

Meanwhile there is no midweek game so the players can rest their legs, and supporters can ground bag in step 5 or 6.

Hanworth Villa are coming!

Last year’s playoff winners come to The Grove today, for the third qualifying round of the FA Cup. I’m away, but will be following from afar. Kick off at 3pm. Good luck fellas.

Tanners 1 - 2 Farnham Town

When you arrive see the manager named on the bench, you know we're down to the bare bones. Amongst the list of absentees were Cam Black who was still suspended, and Woking may have decided this competition wasn't worth the risk for Dryer. With both available, it might have been a different result, as we rather ran out of steam in the final third of the game.

 

It started well, though. We were confidently stroking the ball around a largely changed Farnham side. The Lip's Marcel Barrington could have put us 1-0 up, but his powerful downward header was too close to the feet of their keeper. We did go 1-0 ahead when Anas confidently placed a powerful shot into the top corner from a low pass into the box.

 

Farnham did grow into the first half, but we looked quite comfortable and went into the break a goal to the good.

 

The second half, and two things happened. Farnham started taking it more seriously and upped the quality on the pitch. Meanwhile, we grew tired and had to withdraw ours. The telling substitution came when Mark Waters picked up an injury. The cool control we had shown rapidly disappeared.

 

First, they tapped one in, but it was ruled out for offside. It was looking inevitable that our lead was going to go, but could we hang on for penalties? When they did equalise in the 82nd minute, it really didn't look like we could, and sure enough they took the lead just a few minutes later.

 

The handful of Farnham supporters went wild. Even more probably did from the comfort of their own homes, as we appear to have allowed them to stream the game to spare their fans the inconvenience of actually travelling.

 

We tried to force an equaliser during the five minutes of stoppage time, but it didn't come. So we bow out at the first time of asking but avoid the need to voluntarily pull out when it gets wet in January.

 

Onto Saturday then, and the hope of reinforcements for the FA Cup game...

Farnham Town are coming!

Perhaps my favourite cup competition tonight, but it could not have been a tougher drawer with last season’s winners and National League South Farnham Town coming to The Grove tonight. Last minute attempts to move the Hampshire border were thwarted. Oh well. Kick off at 7.45pm. See you there!

Tanners 2-2 Ramsgate (won 6-5 after lots of saved pens)

For some reason the Ramsgate fans turned up very angry. Maybe it’s because they no longer have a ferry route, maybe it’s because they haven’t become a boujee costal chic town like Deal and Whitstable, or maybe it’s simply because we keep beating them. Who knows?!  

This became apparent when a delightful young Ramsgate supporter said to the linesman whilst he was checking the net before the game “give us some f*cking decisions you c*nt.” Not long later after he was ejected following a bizarre scene when the official security guy turned his cap round and started boxing with him. 

We started very brightly - keen to put Tuesday’s sluggish start behind us - and the prolific Tom Dryer curled a beauty into top bins to put us into an early lead. We continued to look comfortable throughout the game and looked to have sealed the deal when The Lip’s Marcel Barrington smashed the ball into the net beating the keeper at the near post. The keeper must have had déjà vu as he succumbed to the same fate during the opening game of the season (credit to Ethan for reminding me and the keeper). 

We then appeared to relax and went a bit Leather-heady. The ref must have been keen to practise officiating penalties as started giving everything to Ramsgate. He waved away a blatant handball for a penalty, fell for the Ramsgate keeper feigning a head injury when he was out of position, ignored a push on Dryer which would have been a free kick outside the box, and allowed Sonny to be elbowed in the head. 

The ref eventually got his way as Ramsgate swarmed all over us scoring on 80’ and 90’. For the first time in living memory, we weren’t allowed behind the goal where the penalties were being taken as the Ramsgate fans were still very angry. In one last gesture of Ramsgate anger their keeper scuffed up the penalty spot to receive a booking. 

Then followed the strangest of penalty shoot outs. Four successful penalties out of 5 were followed by 4 of the lamest penalties you will ever see. All were either missed or were passed gently to the keeper. 

Finally, The Lip’s Marcel Barrington and Kemall decided they’d had enough of this sh*t and scored penalties 9 and 10 to send us into the next round. 

Surrey Senior Cup holders and National League Farnham visit us on Tuesday in a stinker of a draw but a chance for the lads to pitch themselves against higher league opposition. We beat them at home in their promotion season when their (now) gaffer was sent off.

I believe the mighty Tanners have now won our last 4 penalty shoot outs. Don’t test us Farnham!

Ramsgate are coming!

The FA Sodding Trophy rears its head again, with the visit of Ramsgate.  A side that is looking for revenge for our opening game league win and desperate to avoid the 4-1 thrashing they received in the same competition at our place, last year.  Since we played in the league, Ramsgate are only two points behind us in eighth place.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  Good luck fellas!

Three Bridges 3 - 3 Tanners

Looking at the league table, I confidently told someone in the bar before the game that we would score three goals. I had no idea we would need all three just to rescue a point.

 

I also have no idea why we started so badly. Were we hungover from the battle at Ks? Did we take our hosts for granted? All I know is that by the time I’d walked from one end of the ground to the other, Three Bridges had scored. Again, I have no idea how it was scored — I’d only reached the corner flag and had my back to the action.

 

There was no mistaking the second goal. We had the ball in midfield and ran towards our own goal while under pressure. That pressure turned into Three Bridges possession, and their player made space to shoot from distance and beat Sonny with a spectacular effort. Eight minutes in, and it was 0-2.

 

Hogan had already missed one or two good chances before he got his goal. Anas rattled the crossbar, but it fell kindly to Hogan, who powerfully placed the ball into the far bottom corner from close range. 1-2. We were back in it — until five minutes later, when Three Bridges restored their lead with a breakaway goal. 1-3 at half-time.

 

Selley didn’t muck around and made a triple substitution, sending on both of the new signings, Date and Dryer, as well as Kofi. It was not an instant success, as we were trying to play with a combination of new players and a new formation. The shape was now three at the back, with two advanced wide players instead of full-backs. That left pockets of space in the corners, which Three Bridges exploited regularly, and had they worn the same shooting boots as they did in the first half, it could have been a massacre. We rode our luck.

 

The referee did not really affect the game, but he did have an annoying habit of counting down for a throw-in or for the ‘keeper to release the ball with a loud “KEEPER 1 … KEEPER 2 …” rather than the more traditional unit of time, “Mississippi”, and so appeared to award almost twice as much time. As I said, it didn’t change things, but it was a source of further frustration.

 

Then, with 10 minutes to go, Dryer showed why he was worthy of finally playing for a big club. His first shot came from just inside the box, took a deflection, and beat the ‘keeper. 2-3. If his opener was fortunate, there was nothing lucky about his second. He received the ball on the left of the box and turned quickly — you could even say he was a spin Dryer — before firing a powerful shot into the roof of the net. 3-3. Limbs!

 

Now, fair play to Three Bridges. There were still 12 minutes to go, including stoppages, and many teams we will face would have resorted to housery, but not Three Bridges. They pushed to restore the lead and gave us some real heart-in-mouth moments, but we held on and even created a bit of late drama ourselves.

 

The unbeaten away record survives by the skin of its teeth before we head into the weekend and the start of the FA Sodding Trophy…

Ks 0 - 1 Tanners

This was a rare game where the “home” supporters had a trickier journey than the away ones. The only person to endure a more difficult trip was The Lip’s Marcel Barrington, who turned up at Ashford United in Kent believing Ks ground-shared there. Give it a season, Marcel, and you may yet be right…

 

Onto the game, and it soon became clear Ks had not come out to play football so much as foul their way into the next round. Braiden Hall was the first victim and had to be subbed off after just 13 minutes. Then, on the half-hour, the referee effectively gave them the green light to carry on. Dickson went in for a tackle and was slightly late, but the referee appeared to allow play to continue; then, as the ball fell to Mark, he received a heavy challenge with a high elbow. Despite the blood now flowing from his forehead, the referee pulled it back to the original foul and only awarded Dickson the yellow.

 

Combined with dramatic yelping whenever they were touched, Ks had the better of the first half and hit the crossbar twice, but we survived and went in to regroup at 0-0.

 

The second half saw a Leatherhead side more prepared for the dirty tactics, and we took the lead. The referee awarded us a free kick on the edge of the box — having ignored what looked like a penalty in a similar area moments earlier — and Price smashed it into the top corner after the ball had bounced around the area for a while. 1-0.

 

Then it all kicked off. Similar to the incident last weekend, a Ks player came to challenge Price but met him instead with two raised hands and a forceful shove to the ground. A melee erupted and, in the middle of it, Ks’ No. 8 threw a punch at Kennett. One assistant saw it and the referee produced a red card. The other assistant then told the referee that Kennett had done something in the build-up and so he was shown a yellow. That booking meant that, when Kennett was later involved in another foul, the entire Ks bench ran onto the pitch trying to get him sent off.

 

Strangely, going 1-0 down finally persuaded Ks to start playing football and, despite being a man down, they continued to play out from the back in a style that would have made Russell Martin proud. Most of the time the ball was picked off and we could attack again, but there were moments when they looked dangerous.

 

There was still time for yet more controversy as both teams ended up seeing red. Hogan had something brewing with their No. 16 and, in a challenge for the ball in the left corner, was robustly shoved off it by the bigger player. As the ball moved on, Hogan chased and gave his adversary a reminder that he was still there, and the defender reacted. He got Nathan in a neck lock, as if he were Hulk Hogan, and wrestled him to the ground. You could still see the marks on his neck five minutes later. Another bout of handbags followed, and the Ks ‘keeper sprinted to the halfway line, got involved with Cam, went down theatrically, and so our defender also saw red.

 

It was now nine v ten, and Ks won a free kick on the edge of the box in stoppage time, but the effort sailed high and wide. The final whistle blew, another fight broke out, and a Ks child allegedly ran off with one of our footballs. All of that somehow distracted from the one thing that mattered: we are through to the next round.

 

Onto Tuesday, when we play Three Bridges, who refreshingly play in Three Bridges.

Travelling Tanners

There is no day more exciting than FA Cup Day, as we travel to our old friends Kingstonian.  This will mean a trip to Ashford as that is what they call home this year.

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!