Ks 0 - 1 Tanners

This was a rare game where the “home” supporters had a trickier journey than the away ones. The only person to endure a more difficult trip was The Lip’s Marcel Barrington, who turned up at Ashford United in Kent believing Ks ground-shared there. Give it a season, Marcel, and you may yet be right…

 

Onto the game, and it soon became clear Ks had not come out to play football so much as foul their way into the next round. Braiden Hall was the first victim and had to be subbed off after just 13 minutes. Then, on the half-hour, the referee effectively gave them the green light to carry on. Dickson went in for a tackle and was slightly late, but the referee appeared to allow play to continue; then, as the ball fell to Mark, he received a heavy challenge with a high elbow. Despite the blood now flowing from his forehead, the referee pulled it back to the original foul and only awarded Dickson the yellow.

 

Combined with dramatic yelping whenever they were touched, Ks had the better of the first half and hit the crossbar twice, but we survived and went in to regroup at 0-0.

 

The second half saw a Leatherhead side more prepared for the dirty tactics, and we took the lead. The referee awarded us a free kick on the edge of the box — having ignored what looked like a penalty in a similar area moments earlier — and Price smashed it into the top corner after the ball had bounced around the area for a while. 1-0.

 

Then it all kicked off. Similar to the incident last weekend, a Ks player came to challenge Price but met him instead with two raised hands and a forceful shove to the ground. A melee erupted and, in the middle of it, Ks’ No. 8 threw a punch at Kennett. One assistant saw it and the referee produced a red card. The other assistant then told the referee that Kennett had done something in the build-up and so he was shown a yellow. That booking meant that, when Kennett was later involved in another foul, the entire Ks bench ran onto the pitch trying to get him sent off.

 

Strangely, going 1-0 down finally persuaded Ks to start playing football and, despite being a man down, they continued to play out from the back in a style that would have made Russell Martin proud. Most of the time the ball was picked off and we could attack again, but there were moments when they looked dangerous.

 

There was still time for yet more controversy as both teams ended up seeing red. Hogan had something brewing with their No. 16 and, in a challenge for the ball in the left corner, was robustly shoved off it by the bigger player. As the ball moved on, Hogan chased and gave his adversary a reminder that he was still there, and the defender reacted. He got Nathan in a neck lock, as if he were Hulk Hogan, and wrestled him to the ground. You could still see the marks on his neck five minutes later. Another bout of handbags followed, and the Ks ‘keeper sprinted to the halfway line, got involved with Cam, went down theatrically, and so our defender also saw red.

 

It was now nine v ten, and Ks won a free kick on the edge of the box in stoppage time, but the effort sailed high and wide. The final whistle blew, another fight broke out, and a Ks child allegedly ran off with one of our footballs. All of that somehow distracted from the one thing that mattered: we are through to the next round.

 

Onto Tuesday, when we play Three Bridges, who refreshingly play in Three Bridges.

Travelling Tanners

There is no day more exciting than FA Cup Day, as we travel to our old friends Kingstonian.  This will mean a trip to Ashford as that is what they call home this year.

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!

AFC Whyteleafe are coming!

AFC Whyteleafe, fresh from their 4-0 win at the weekend, come to The Grove for tonight’s league fixture. Our guests will look to try and keep themselves out of the relegation zone, while we hope to cement ourselves in the playoff positions. I’ll be flying in from Estonia, but unlikely to make it to the game in time. Kick off at 7.45pm. Good luck fellas.

Aveley 1 - 2 Tanners

The away form of the mighty travelling Tanners continued with a fantastic hardworking team performance on the wrong side of the Dartford Tunnel (check that you paid the toll). On the other hand the referee was dreadful. I can’t remember ever seeing a player run 30 yards off the ball to elbow one of our players to the ground and only receive a yellow. He needs to get a new hobby, or work his way back down the levels so he can referee at Westfield. The newish Aveley ground - built in 2017 - is impressive if a little sterile and lacking in character. Talking of sterile - after all the high fives at the end of the game - Carex products will be in high demand. Aveley started the game strongly and got an early goal after 5 minutes. After this shock we settled into the game and started to create some chances. Anas - who is now joint top league goal scorer with 6 - pounced on a loose ball at close range to send us into the break on level terms. It was a dogged second half as well, but better than arriving in Tallinn 2 days later than planned due to broken Britain’s ATC systems. This Tanners side has great attitude and fitness and it paid off on 67’ when Anas slid the ball past the keeper for the winner. Despite Aveley pressure we hung on to bag all 3 points. Onto Tuesday and the chance to win a league game at home v Whyteleafe. Vamos!!

Travelling Tanners

Leatherhead make the trip to Aveley today, in a close game as they sit above us on goal difference.

Meanwhile, I get to sing “oh, Leva, Leva. Leva, leva, leva Levadia in Estonia.

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.   Good luck fellas!

Tanners 3 - 0 AFC Croydon Athletic

With an FA Cup tie ahead and good weather forecast, I decided to cycle to the game yesterday, spending a little time beforehand cleaning and oiling the chain. It proved a fitting start to the afternoon: my bike purred smoothly up and over Ranmore Common, and Leatherhead approached the game in much the same way — quietly, efficiently, and always in control.

 

The last time our visitors were here, I leaned heavily into the Stormzy references, but I resisted the temptation this time as there was no sign whatsoever of him or co-owner Zaha. They did not even have a shirt sponsor, which felt slightly odd given the profile of the club’s owners.

 

As for the game itself, Leatherhead struck early. Dicko let fly from around 20 yards out on the left, and with the goalkeeper overcommitted to covering his far post, the ball flew in through the near one. 0-1.

 

AFC Croydon Athletic’s keeper, Amadou, played for Leatherhead not so long ago, and I did wonder if he still had a soft spot for us. He certainly seemed to have a soft spot in his gloves, because in the second half Murphy hit a powerful effort straight at him, only for it to squirm through his hands and drift into the far corner. 2-0.

 

We thought we had a third when The Lip’s Barrington launched a long throw that bounced in via the far post. Cam Black celebrated as though he had got the touch, and it initially looked as though the referee had given it. Somehow, though, the assistant intervened, and apparently as he had not seen a touch through a crowd of players it was enough to rule it out.

 

The AFC Croydon Athletic manager’s post-match interview suggested the better team lost and that his side had controlled the game. Personally, I suspect that was all part of the plan. Leatherhead were happy to let them have the ball in safe areas and then catch them on the break. That was certainly how it played out in the closing minutes, when Hall was sent clean through the middle and calmly slotted away his one-on-one chance. You certainly cannot blame the keeper for that one.

 

Safely through to the second qualifying round, and now a trip to Aveley on Saturday awaits…

AFC Croydon Athletic are coming!

FA Cup action returns as we welcome AFC Croydon Athletic to The Grove today.  We last played this side two years ago was in a friendly where we drew 1-1 and I perhaps over did it with the Stormzy references.

 

Our guests play in the Isthmian South East division and sit just outside the play-off places with two wins and two losses.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  See you there!

Tanners 2 - 3 Dulwich Hamlet

Leatherhead’s players could not match the speed and accuracy of the bar service at the new pop-up bar as they succumbed to their second home defeat of the season.

 

The contrast between home and away defensive performances remains a growing concern. Eight goals conceded in three home games compared with just three away tells its own story.

 

The original linesman appeared to have chosen a village fair over an afternoon at Fetcham Grove and, much like one of our supporters, dropped out at the last minute. Thankfully, a late replacement stepped in — a chap resembling Brian Murphy, who saved the day. He was not exactly overworked, though, and his main contribution was to rule out one of our goals for offside. For the rest of the match, he mostly seemed to wait for the referee’s decision and then agree with it.

 

Leatherhead started the brighter side, but after Dulwich had offered very little for the opening 25 minutes, they were handed a soft penalty. One of their players was judged to have been brought down by Sonny, even though the ball had already gone out for a corner.

 

That left Leatherhead 0-1 down at half-time, which must at least have made it easier for the absent to focus on the craft stalls and the “better than ever” dog show.

 

The second half began with Leatherhead firing on all cylinders. Nathan turned back the clock to last season with a free-kick whipped into the bottom corner, leaving Hudson Sands — on loan from Chelsea and contracted until 2029 — rooted to the spot. If Alonso watches the highlights tonight, he may be tempted to loan him to Westfield at Step 8 instead.

 

Leatherhead were well on top when Kofi’s deflected shot put them into the lead. Then it all unravelled. Dulwich introduced five substitutes, all with pace and power, while Leatherhead looked to be running out of legs. Two of those subs went on to score — the equaliser arriving on 71 minutes when Sonny was lobbed, and the winner in the 92nd minute when a cross was not dealt with.

 

Ten points from the first six games is probably a couple fewer than performances have deserved.

 

FA Cup action follows next week but, more importantly, does anyone know who won the “Best Young Dog Handler” award at Peaslake Fair..?

Dulwich Hamlet are coming!

Old friends , Dulwich Hamlet travel to visit us today, for a Bank Holiday fixture that could see a big crowd at The Grove. While it’s been eight years since we played them in the league, it was only two years ago we beat 1-0 in the FA Cup. Kick off at 3pm. See you there!

Eastbourne Borough 0 - 1 Tanners

After last week’s 4-1 loss, I drove to this game with a sense of dread, fearing Leatherhead fans might have to come to terms with two grim realities: a world without Dolly Parton — although Stretch’s slurred tribute made it sound as though he would always love Joey Barton — and what it feels like to lose away from home. Luckily, Leatherhead approached this one with a cup of ambition and snatched all three points at the end.

 

Leatherhead rode their luck, though. Despite having plenty of the ball and looking dangerous down the right wing, it was Eastbourne who clattered the woodwork twice — once in the first half from a powerful header, and then again in the second half from a looping shot.

 

Then, in the second half, the game swung in our favour. It was the referee’s first game at this level, and I thought he did rather well by letting the game flow and certainly not falling for the “touch and flop” antics of the Eastbourne defence. None more so than their captain, who was becoming increasingly frustrated that throwing himself to the floor was not bringing the reward he was used to.

 

He was eventually shown red after two quick yellow cards. The first was a nailed-on booking for a late tackle. For the second, he tried to be cute by bringing our player down from behind — not with a tackle, but by “accidentally” tripping over and rolling into his legs. The referee did the brave thing and sent him off, then heard language he probably would not expect to hear while teaching PE.

 

With the extra man, we pressed for a winner, and just like last season, it arrived in the closing minutes. A low cross from the right was helped on at the near post by The Lip’s Barrington, with Kofi on hand to bundle it in at the far post. 1-0.

 

Injury time seemed to last forever, but full-time finally came, and the players celebrated as though they knew they had come through a real battle. It was a huge three points that lifted us into fourth, but tough opposition awaits in the shape of our old friends Dulwich Hamlet tomorrow…

Travelling Tanners

Today we make the long trip Eastbourne Borough, where we meet a rival with exactly the same points, goals scored and conceded as us after four games.  An away draw, anyone?

 

For me the New Ground Klaxon sounds.  For some, they would have been here in 1997 when they beat us 2-1 in the FA Cup under the name Langney Sports.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!

Tanners 1 - 4 Maldon & Tiptree

Today was a sobering slap in the face for Leatherhead. After going three games unbeaten, perhaps we had started to get a little carried away, but this was a heavy defeat against a side just as new to the league as we are.

 

Leatherhead looked surprisingly flat compared with the performances we had seen so far. We had plenty of the ball but did little with it. The game was defined by the overhit cross. Time after time, we worked the ball into promising positions, only for the final delivery to sail over the heads of any Leatherhead player hoping to get on the end of it.

 

Then, on the stroke of half-time, we conceded. A simple ball to the far post was met with a side volley and, despite Sonny’s attempt to save it, the ball crept over the line at the far post. 0-1.

 

The second half looked as though it was going the same way until we made a few changes. Kofi’s introduction allowed Hogan to play in a freer role and suddenly we sparked into life.

 

On 54 minutes, Hogan received the ball on the edge of the box, shaped to shoot, then slipped in Anas, who made no mistake to level the score at 1-1. From there, we battered the visitors, with shots going agonisingly wide and one effort blocked on the line.

 

Malden & Tiptree broke away and sent a lofted ball into the box, which was nodded down into the path of an unmarked player and powerfully smashed home on 77 minutes. 1-2. But we still had time and momentum to find an equaliser and perhaps even win it. Then it all fell apart.

 

On 89 minutes, they scored a third. I do not remember too much about it, as I was distracted by a butterfly on the pitch. I will never forget the fourth goal, though. Jackson was around 30 to 40 yards from goal when he received the ball out wide.

 

Inexplicably, he played a lofted no-look pass back towards Sonny, when, had he played a look-pass, he might have noticed Sonny was nowhere near his goal at the time. Given today’s crossing performance, any other Leatherhead pass would probably have sailed harmlessly over for a corner, but this perfectly measured effort lobbed the retreating Sonny, landed on the line, and bounced into the net. 1-4.

 

So, the first defeat of the season is on the board, and now we have seven days to dust ourselves down before the Bank Holiday fixtures against Eastbourne Borough and Dulwich Hamlet.

Maldon & Tiptree are coming!

When I see this club’s name I think of British hotels and small pots of jam, but cannot think of a footballing reason we know them.  Partly as they only became Maldon & Tiptree in 2010 and prior to that they played in the Isthmian League Division One North until they won their league last year.

 

Our guests had a tough start to their Premier campaign, losing 6-0 to Dulwich, but bounced back with a win against Averley (only to then go on and lose to Dartford).

 

Kick off at 3pm.  See you there!

Is this the real life…?

Just a quick post to explain some of the “fantasy” options you have at your disposal.

 

Firstly, tonight is the opening game of the Premier League and if you play FPL you can join the Tanners mini league here (or share code prqpgp)

 

Additionaly, there is a free Tanners Fantasy game (that my son made), where you pick three Leatherhead players and get points for their achievements on the pitch.  That can be joined here.

 

Good luck!

Burgess Hill 2 - 2 Tanners

This was a tough workout for the Tanners — 28C, an artificial pitch, and a third game in eight days at a higher level.

 

The referee, a junior quantity surveyor, soon showed he couldn’t measure up. He compensated for his lack of height with a lack of ability. He conveniently ignored Sonny being pushed to the ground — perhaps it was too early in the game for a yellow — then forgot about playing advantage and reprimanded our bench for politely pointing it out.

 

Burgess Hill have almost as many bars as Westfield have excuses for bottling it last season, and a crowd of nearly 1,000 enjoyed the afternoon staying hydrated in the Sussex sunshine.

 

Cam Black was missing — well, he was named on the bench, but was clearly pretending — which meant Joe Jackson stepped in at centre-back.

 

Burgess Hill opened the scoring on 21 minutes with the follow-up to a saved shot. As we have come to expect, the resilient Tanners bounced back through a superb header from our man of nearly every match, Mark Waters, on 33 minutes.

 

Anas took us into the lead straight after half-time with a cool finish, but after that it was backs to the wall as Burgess Hill Town got an equaliser on 50 minutes and piled on the pressure with some slick football.

 

It’s not easy to beat us away from home — it’s been over a year — and we held out for a very hard-earned point.

 

Seven points from our first three games — we’d all have taken that. The lads get a well-earned week off from the league and can now look forward to a home game on Saturday. It might even rain.

Travelling Tanners

After a great start to the season, we get to travel to our old friends Burgess Hill.  You have to go back 10 years since we last played there, when we lost 3-2.  Let’s hope for better today.

 

Our hosts sit three points behind us, having tasted defeat on the opening day away to Brentwood Town.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  Good luck fellas!

Tanners 4 - 1 Welling United

Coming away with three points on Saturday, after a determined second-half performance, was validation that we could compete at our new level — but that can all change with a couple of heavy defeats. So I entered the ground wondering whether Welling United, a side that probably fancies being there or thereabouts this season, would be the ones to knock us off our not-so-lofty perch. Any fears I had were soon put to bed as we unleashed an unforgiving attack that saw us race into a 4–0 lead by half-time.

 

Anas was first on the scoresheet. A Welling defender failed to cut out a cross and only succeeded in prodding it to Anas, who received the ball about 15 yards out on the right. The keeper must have anticipated a shot across goal, as he seemed wholly unprepared for the effort into the near top corner and could only get the slightest hand to it as it flew in. Just three minutes later he doubled the scoreline when a cross from the left was flicked down into his path a few yards from goal and he calmly slid the ball under the keeper.

 

Twenty minutes gone, 2–0 up, and still part of me worried that one goal from Welling would change the dynamic — but as we neared the end of the half, the game was effectively tucked up in bed. On 41 minutes, Dickson received the ball about 25 yards from goal out on the right and advanced towards goal. We all expected a cross to pick someone out, but instead he let fly with an audacious dipping shot that sailed over the keeper and into the far-side netting — our first goal at the far post of the season. Then, on the stroke of half-time, Waters took hold of the ball in central midfield and let fly after beating a couple of Welling players. The shot took a deflection and, once again, the Welling keeper looked like a man who wished he’d taken up golf instead. 4–0.

 

Into the second half, and Ian Selley activated “Let’s Not Do Anything Silly” mode as we played a far more measured game. The Lip’s Barrington forced a save with a header, and a smart corner routine might have produced another goal with a cleaner finish, but we were rarely troubled for the first 30 minutes. Then, following a number of changes, Welling increased the pressure, created some chances, and hit the post in the process. Eventually they got a consolation on 89 minutes, and had one of the earlier chances gone in, “Binfield” might have been muttered around the ground — but by then the game was won.

 

On to Saturday then, when we travel to Burgess Hill, who beat Three Bridges 3–2 last night…

Welling United are coming!

Tonight we welcome Welling United for the first competitive game that I can remember.  They travelled here in 2012 and 2013 for friendlies but cannot see where we played them outside of that.

 

Back then, Welling United got themselves into the Conference Premier before dropping back down to Conference South until their relegation in 2025.  With an opening day win, they look like a tough test for us tonight.

 

Meanwhile, you can pick your favourite Leatherhead players (well, up to three of them) and enter a side in the Tanners Fantasy League.  More details can be found here tannersfantasy.com.

 

Kick off at 7.45.  See you there!

Ramsgate 1 - 2 Tanners

Leatherhead got one of their longest trips of the season under their belts with a 2–1 win at Ramsgate yesterday, extending their unbeaten away run.

 

We started brightly and got our reward. Kofi picked up the ball on the left, cut inside and drilled a low shot into the bottom corner. It may have taken a slight deflection, but the keeper should have done better with his attempt to save it. 1–0.

 

Shortly afterwards, Ramsgate’s No. 18 lost his head and found the referee in a charitable mood. We were attacking down the right when he stormed in from behind, leading with a forearm into the back of the head and bringing our man down. On another day — or a little later in the game — it might easily have been a yellow, but he was instead let off with a talking-to. He was then involved in two more incidents, including one where the assistant appeared to spot something off the ball, and still only got another word in his ear. He was fortunate to still be on the pitch by the time he eventually picked up a yellow in the second half — at which point he finally piped down.

 

Meanwhile, Leatherhead had gone all England in the face of Argentinian-style pressure and were defending desperately for the last 30 minutes of the half — until we popped up with a second goal. A cross from the right sailed over everyone and found Murphy alone at the far post. His powerful volley beat the keeper, again at his near post, which perhaps offered a clue as to why he had No. 13 on his back.

 

It is a testament to last year’s squad that nine of them started this game. It is also a testament to the recruitment work that both of the new signings got on the scoresheet.

 

At 2–0, with only two minutes of added time left, Leatherhead relaxed. We relaxed a little too much and allowed Ramsgate to saunter down the left, put in a cross, and pick out an unmarked player to head home. 2–1, and in we went for half-time.

 

The second half was a completely different affair in terms of our confidence and control. Ramsgate rarely put us under pressure, while we dictated the game in search of a third goal. A few performances are worth calling out. The Lip’s Barrington came on for Breckon and completely changed our dynamic up front. Ramsgate’s No. 5 had Breckon well under control, but Barrington’s pace and power changed all of that and suddenly we had an outlet. He also hit the outside of the net when he again looked to beat the keeper at — no surprises — his near post. Hogan came on and had a good chance to get the third, but opted for a lob that sailed over. Lastly, Charlie Kennett — what a performance. He won his duels and was a constant thorn in the side of the hosts.

 

We held on for all three points and headed home strangely disappointed to be outside the play-off places on goals scored. On to Tuesday then, when we host Welling, who also won at home to Whitehawk.

Travelling Tanners

Since their revival, Walton & Hersham is a side we have not done well against so last week’s 2-1 win is the perfect way to end the pre-season and get into the season ahead.  This starts with the long trip to Ramsgate.

 

Ramsgate is a side we don’t play often.  There was the FA Sodding Trophy last season and then we have to go back to 2019 where we won 2-1.  Going back to 2013 we also opened the season and won 1-0 thanks to a Matt Smart goal.  Strangely I missed both of these away trips so the New Ground Klaxon sounds for me.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!

Walton & Hersham are coming

Walton & Hersham arrive at the Grove today in our final friendly of the season.  I hope we can get through it without any injuries before we make the long trip to Ramsgate next Saturday.

 

Both sides enjoyed title winning seasons last year.  Our guests won the Southern League Premier South to earn promotion to the National League South for the first time in its history.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  Good luck fellas!

Ashford Town Middlesex Are Coming!

Luke Tuffs brings his side to the Grove as we near the end of our preparations for next season. Hydration breaks will no doubt be put in force today, as it looks hot out there. Kick off at 3pm. Good luck fellas.

South Park 4 - 2 Tanners

The bogey ground of South Park restored its calamitous effect on Leatherhead, as we came away from this fixture with a 4–2 defeat. The Lip also appears not to have lost its touch when it comes to sponsoring players, as no sooner had I confirmed I wanted to sponsor Marcel than I looked over to see him on the sideline with a bandaged knee.

 

South Park have worked hard on making the ground look a lot nicer, and we probably spent more time admiring it than we did Leatherhead’s play on the pitch. It did start brightly though, as Anas broke clear down the right and finished at the near post. Danny Bracken will struggle to get to his targeted 1,000 appearances with that attempt to keep it out.

 

Leatherhead’s dominance did not translate into more goals, so we went in at half-time ahead. I sent my son off to the car to pick up a cardigan as the temperature was dipping, so it amused me that we needed hydration breaks. I hope the World Cup hasn’t made this a permanent fixture…

 

Out they came for the second half, and it all went south for Leatherhead. First, a long-range shot found its way into the back of the net, and then a smart shot on the turn, just inside the box, also beat Sonny. Sonny was quickly swapped out to see if that would change our fortunes.

 

Nathan Hogan put us back on level terms with a finely placed curling shot from the left that clipped the post and went in to make it 2–2. Any hopes of going on to win it disappeared when South Park curled one in directly from a corner and then scored with another shot from distance.  2-4.

 

Preparations for next season will have to step up with the visit of Ashford Town (Middlesex) in the Luke Tuffs Derby.

Travelling Tanners

After the weekend’s comeback where Leatherhead turned out to be the Argentina of Surrey with a long range shot and a close-range header in the dying minutes (that reference made more sense when I drafted it before the final on Sunday) to beat Merstham 2-1, we travel to South Park in fine form.

 

Our hosts finished 10^th last season and were probably shaken by not getting the six points this bogey side usually get from us as we shook off the hoodoo and won both games without conceding.  That’s jinxed it, then.

 

Kick off at 7.45.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!

Merstham are coming!

Old friends, Merstham, arrive at The Grove today for our next friendly. Merstham play in the Isthmian South East division and finished 10th last season. Kick off at 3pm. Good luck fellas.

Tanners 3 - 2 Dorking Wanderers

For the first time in four years, Leatherhead not only made this game competitive but walked away with the trophy. After 5–1 last year and 4–1 the year before, it was starting to become one of those fixtures where you wondered when it would be polite to leave early. This year, though — with some promising-looking new signings — we looked the part.

 

Leatherhead survived an early scare when Dorking hit the post, but it was Leatherhead who opened the scoring. We won a free-kick outside the box and Hogan stepped up and — not deterred by the distance — bent it over the wall and into the side netting. 1–0.

 

The lead lasted around 20 minutes before it started to feel as though the game was heading in its usual direction. The ref awarded a soft free-kick, almost identical in softness to the one Mexico won just before half-time. The ball was sent in and George Nikaj finished it off. Four minutes later he picked up the ball just inside our half, drove at our defence and found the bottom corner with a low shot. Somehow, we managed to hold on until half-time and go in only 2–1 down.

 

The second half started and two things struck me. First, the Dorking “ultras” — prepubescent teens who swapped ends just to look “menacing”. I’d thought they’d stayed at the end we were shooting in during the first half because they’d gone there by mistake, but their decision to change ends after the break proved it was a deliberate ploy. They even wore matching all-black outfits in a further attempt to “intimidate”, but what they failed to realise is that, amongst other things, their middle-class Dorking background meant their uniform was purchased in stored like Urban Outfitters or Superdry. The Stone Island / Lonsdale-wearing youth of Moneyfields would have taken one look at this lot and run amok with them.

 

The second thought was just how much better the team that came out after the break looked. Dorking will say that was because they fielded some academy players. I’m sure they’ve done that in the past and still won 5–1, though. This time, we were taking the game to them and looking the better side.

 

An attack down the left found Anas unmarked. Despite the cross being a little high, he dispatched his volley coolly into the top-left corner. 2–2. Then Barrington started making his presence known.

 

Last season, Barrington’s late arrival gave the impression of someone who was handy to have around. In just 45 minutes here, he produced a man-of-the-match display and was a constant menace to the Dorking defence. So much so that on 80 minutes the Dorking “ultras” went back to the end they were shooting towards — this wasn’t fun anymore.

 

In the closing stages, he fired a shot onto the crossbar, scored from close range only for it to be ruled out for being a little too rough on the poor Dorking Wanderers keeper, and then finally got his goal. He received the ball on the penalty spot, made room for himself and then fired the ball into the top-left corner. 3–2.

 

So, the Advertiser Trophy and the Mole Valley are green and white again. Here’s hoping that continues into the season ahead…

Dorking Wanderers are coming!

After a game I couldn’t see and then midweek commitments, The Lip! comes out of its annual hibernation for the start of the season. Today we host Dorking Wanderers in the Advertiser Trophy. A game where the away fans can enter, drink and stand where they like. The civilised half of this annual competition. Kick off at 3pm. See you there!

Westfield 0 - 2 Hanworth Villa

For two sides with average attendances in the low hundreds, it was a credit to them that nearly 1,500 turned up for this final. While impressive, as the ground offers very little in terracing it struggled to cope and it was difficult to find a comfortable spot.  By contrast, I was at the Combined Counties ground of Rusthall for their final with only 50 fewer and found it a lot more enjoyable.

 

The game itself didn’t burst into life as frenetically as it did on Wednesday — we had to wait a full 15 minutes for the first drama. A cross into the box was misjudged by a Westfield defender and the ball hit his raised arm, denying a Hanworth Villa player a chance on goal. The ref hesitated, then pointed to the spot and also brandished a yellow card. It was unclear whether the yellow was for the handball or for petulantly scuffing the penalty spot. The kick was calmly dispatched and the visitors were 1–0 up.

 

With bigger crowds come a greater number of idiots. A Hanworth Villa fan left his flag behind the goal his team were warming up in front of. He mistakenly believed it would be safe once the game kicked off and they were shooting the other way. A jaunty chorus of “we’ve got your flag” seemed like harmless banter, but the mood changed when “we’ve ripped your flag” started up and fans and security guards had to wade in and retrieve it. You stay classy, Westfield.

 

Ten minutes into the second half, the game swung well and truly in Hanworth’s favour as Westfield were reduced to ten men. The player booked for the penalty incident had already survived a poor tackle — and a warning — but then brought down a player advancing on goal. Ten minutes after that it was all sewn up when a low ball into the box bounced around before a Hanworth player prodded it past the Westfield keeper. 2–0.

 

Suddenly we were surrounded by non-league experts as they discussed what league Hanworth — and a number of other clubs — would be in next season. The general consensus was the would be in “the Southern”… along with Chertsey, and something about Chichester, with it all to be decided on 15 May.Strangely, no one mentioned Leatherhead…

 

Unsurprisingly, no one mentioned Westfield, as they were being completely battered by now. Hanworth should have scored two more in the closing minutes with two clear chances. I can only assume that, with a large sandpit in each goalmouth, the players forgot they were playing football and thought they were now competing in the long jump.

 

The full-time whistle brought a mini pitch invasion and well-earned celebrations from Hanworth Villa’s players and management. That just left Westfield — cocky and ungracious in November, distraught in May — to trudge off and eat some humble pie. Shame.

Westfield 1 - 1 AFC Portchester (7-6 on penalties)

Two glorious moments of high drama bookended a nervy game, where both sides seemed reluctant to fully commit until the dying moments — when it briefly looked like Portchester might pinch it.

 

On arrival at the ground, it looked like we were in for a sensational crowd, but on closer inspection many of the coaches were for a school trip. So, in reality, it was a more modest attendance — with a respectable number still making the journey up from the south coast.

 

The game didn’t take long to spark into life. In the opening minute, a cross-cum-shot flew in and beat the keeper (I couldn’t see if anyone got a final touch). Disaster for the visitors… until, from the restart, they lofted a ball into the box for their striker to run onto. He just beat the keeper to it and was brought down in the process. As we found away at Moneyfields, there’s no red card if there’s a genuine attempt to play the ball, so Portchester had to make do with the penalty — which they put away to make it 1–1 after just three minutes.

 

I joked about getting two goals in three minutes and it ending 1–1 — and that’s exactly how it transpired. Westfield did get a penalty on 75 minutes, but it was saved. Portchester applied real pressure in the last few minutes and throughout the six of added time, but it ended all square.

 

An interesting rule change meant extra time was scrapped. Strange, given this isn’t some poxy league cup but the culmination of a whole season, yet both sides seemed to accept their fate and set up for penalties pretty quickly.

 

The first two pairs were scored, and then Westfield missed — the ball clipped the bar, came down on the line, then clipped the keeper, who somehow reacted before it rolled in. There must be a statistic on this, but I always feel the penalty after a save is one of the hardest to take, and sure enough Portchester’s next was well saved.

 

The remaining penalties were all scored until we reached the eighth. I’d noticed the Portchester keeper had been creeping off his line and sensed it would catch up with him. When he saved again, the ref indicated it had to be retaken. The re-take was put away to make it 7–6 to Westfield, and then up stepped “Cal”…

 

Poor Cal. He’d taken dog’s abuse from the management team all game and could do no right. When the penalty was saved, he ran forwards — either to celebrate a bit too early (Portchester would have had to score next anyway) or to remonstrate. Either way, it earned him a yellow card, which promptly incensed the Westfield bench. They were convinced it was his second and he should be off, and tried desperately to intervene… only to pipe down when Cal then skied the ball into Sheerwater and Westfield won the game.

 

I wouldn’t have predicted this, but both sides from Portsmouth lost, setting up a final between Westfield and Hanworth Villa on Sunday…

Tanners 2 - 0 Bedfont Sports

Leatherhead walked out to their last guard of honour of the season — and to a crowd of over 700 — to play out this end-of-season game. With both sides having nothing to play for, it would have been forgivable to simply go through the motions, but an entertaining game was played out.

 

Leatherhead looked like they wanted to finish with a bang. Breckon was soon firing just over, and Waters clipped the bar with a powerful shot. Breckon opened the scoring on 22 minutes. Kennett won a free-kick on the edge of the box, and it was placed onto the head of the striker, who made no mistake. 1–0.

 

Leatherhead didn’t go without the odd scare. Sonny Wheeler was forced into a good save to keep us 1–0 at half-time.

 

The half-time team talk must have focused on the need to get Hogan his outright Golden Boot, because he played like a man possessed — with his teammates determined to help. Take Jordan Gallagher, once described as a great footballer but a horrible bloke by a former chairman: he was through on goal but, rather than take the shot, tried to feed Hogan for a tap-in.

 

On 75 minutes, The Lip’s Player of the Season, Sonny Wheeler, was subbed off so he could get the standing ovation he deserved. Not a dry eye in the house. Moments later, George Hedley rose — perfectly manicured stubble and all — to head home our second and make the three points safe. 2–0.

 

The game was a fitting end to our season, and the start of a night of celebration where others picked up their awards. Now all that remains is to sit back, with a cool beer, and watch the drama of the play-offs unfold…

Bedfont Sports are coming!

True last day of the season stuff today as safe and relegation Bedfont Sports come to play already crown champions Leatherhead. Perhaps the biggest thing on offer today is the chance for Hogan to rightfully claim his golden boot. Kick off at 3pm. See you there!

Southall 2 - 4 Tanners

The green green grass of away.  Leatherhead ticked off three of their objectives with a 4-2 win at Southall.  Remain unbeaten away from home all season, tick.  Score 100 goals, tick.  Maintain Hogan’s run in for the Golden Boot, tick.

 

Anas got us on our way before South struck back with two goals.  Then up stepped Hogan.  First a goal on 35 minutes to draw level and then late in the game to put us 3-2 up.  Gorgeous George got our 100^th goal on 90 minutes. 4-2.

 

Back to The Grove on Saturday, for the last game of the season and player presentations…

Travelling Tanners

The last away game of the season and the final game to retain our unbeaten record on the road.  To do that we face sixth place Southall who have no chance of reaching the playoffs.

The game is played at Hayes & Yeading. Hopefully the sun may warm their bar up a bit.

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  Good luck fellas.

Hendon 1 - 1 Tanners

My pre-match write-up included the rather smug line of “where were you at Hendon?”, as I suspected far fewer would travel to this one than, say, Littlehampton. It was a position I almost instantly regretted as the 1 hour 15-minute journey became 1 hour 45. Throw in a surprise road closure and it was a cool two hours. It was the kind of trip that needed, in addition to a cold pint, a pulsating passage of play to get me over it. Unfortunately, I had to wait until about the 55-minute mark to get it.

 

We looked livelier than we did against Met Police, but still not the side that tore into Ks, for example. Anas went just wide on 14 minutes, but other than that we were content to keep our hosts at bay.

 

Into the clubhouse at half-time — and to catch the Grand National. My mind cast back to last year, when we were already several goals down against Uxbridge. Another reminder that I’m still owed a pint.

 

Second half, and Nathan’s run and shot ten minutes in suggested we wanted to win this game. Hendon responded three minutes later with a powerful header. 0–1.

 

It looked like Cameron Black had a quick equaliser when he hit a fierce side-volley from near the penalty spot. It seemed destined for the back of the net, but somehow the keeper managed to get two firm hands on it and keep it out.

 

All looked lost as we entered the last of the seven minutes of added time, so I drifted towards the gate. A local shouted at the ref, asking why he’d added so much time for us “twats” (I think he meant “champions”), just as we launched our final attack. A cross was met by a Hendon defender, who could only loop it into the air. The ball fell to Barrington, who hit a powerful volley that the keeper couldn’t get to this time. 1–1.

 

Hendon slumped to the floor, while we celebrated keeping our away unbeaten run intact. The last test of that record comes on Saturday, when we travel to Southall.

Travelling Tanners

The Champions travel to Hendon today as we look to sign off the season in style.  Let’s see how many of the 879 that were there Monday make this trip…

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!

Tanners 1 - 1 Met Police

This was always likely to happen. After the celebrations of Saturday, it felt like the mind was willing, but the body was weak — we moved the ball sharply enough, but without any real penetration or those runs that turn possession into chances. Off the pitch, too, it was a little jaded. With nearly 900 in attendance, many seemed to be there for the trophy lift, with the football a mere sideshow as people chatted away as if they were at the cricket.

 

In the first half Sonny Wheeler was forced into a good save, but very little else happened, and we went in at half-time at 0–0.

 

The second half was spearheaded by a quadruple change, and it gave us more energy going forward. Breckon took a cross to feet and placed his shot just wide five minutes after the restart. Had that gone in, it might have crushed the spirits of our guests, but they fought on and got the opener when we lost the ball deep in our own half. It looked like we’d survived the initial attack, but a well-placed strike found the far corner. 0–1.

 

All of a sudden there was a blemish on the cup — a greasy fingerprint that would be hard to buff off in the photos — so we pressed for an equaliser. Eventually it came, late in added time, when Barrington fired a powerful shot that could only be parried into the path of Jordan. From a tight angle he found the back of the net, sending the Met Police to their knees in disappointment. 1–1. A minute later we had a throw-in and, with Barrington, sent the long ball, but it was too close to the ‘keeper and any fairytale finish was lost.

 

Then we moved into the ceremony, with a plinth erected on the halfway line. It was great to be there when the cup was finally lifted. I say finally, because each player introduction felt like it took an age — I forgot whether this was for winning the league or whether we’d drifted into July and somehow won the Advertiser Trophy.

 

All in all, a good day. Such a good day, I realised about 30 minutes after getting home that I couldn’t find my cycle helmet. I still don’t know whether I left it at the ground and cycled home without it, or whether I’ve misplaced it somewhere around the house…

 

Onto the weekend, when we look to get back to winning ways and try to work on a couple more milestones — 100 goals, and Hogan’s Golden Boot.

Met Police and the Trophy are coming!

Smugness levels get to be dialled up to 11 today, as we face Met Police after clinging the title on Saturday. Hopefully the Met Police will give our players a guard of honour in full uniform before running in to get changed. Hopefully our players can shake off their hangovers as there are still targets to aim for. Hogan’s Golden Boot, 100 points and we need to be professional for the benefits of clubs like Littlehampton fighting at the bottom. Kickoff at 3 pm. See you there!

Littlehampton 0 - 2 Tanners

Leatherhead turned up to this one — both on and off the pitch. With an attendance of over 700, I'd estimate 500 could quite easily have come down the A24 to see us get over the line. If the players had any doubts about the size of the occasion, they certainly didn't once they walked down that long, fenced tunnel with enthusiastic — and perhaps slightly tipsy — supporters packed either side.

 

The first half didn't live up to the hype. Mark Waters hit the bar with a header but, on the whole, it was an even affair.

 

Second half, and the league was won. Our campaign started with Breckon opening the scoring at Westfield, so it was fitting that his goals delivered the three points we needed. Both were headers. The first came after a mazy run down the right, and a looping header beat the keeper. The second came from a corner, and his deft near-post header beat him again from a tight angle.

 

The game seemed to race by and soon we were in injury time, pleading for the final whistle. When it came, many had the restraint not to run on the pitch. The first to do so was a well-known supporter — and his son, who I don't think I've seen at a game for 10 or 20 years. I feel a new book coming on.

 

We then joined the players and management team to enjoy the moment. I even got a celebratory hug from Mrs Wheeler, but I fear my comment that Sonny had such a quiet game he could have pulled out a deckchair missed its mark. I'll make amends on Monday, when we also have the trophy to lift…

Travelling Tanners



OK, Leatherhead.  Let's get this done.

 

When the fixtures first came out, there were some obvious ones I looked out for.  Raynes Park Vale and Bognor, as I thought they were going to challenge for the title (yeah, I was wrong about that), but also this one.  It was on April, so I thought it would be a nice warm trip to the south coast (I was wrong about that too) and the obvious sound of the New Ground Klaxon.  Little did I know it could be the trip we clinch the title.

 

Three points is all we need to become champions.  On paper, Littlehampton provide the perfect opportunity to do that BUT factor in they are fighting to stay in the league and throw in a dose of complacency, and this could be a banana skin.

 

Kick off at 3pm.  Directions can be found here.  See you there!

Tanners 3 - 0 Ks

In reality, had we lost this game it wouldn't have changed the outcome of our season — with Westfield and Hanworth Villa playing on Monday, someone was dropping points — but it makes life a lot more comfortable going into this Easter weekend.

 

It was clear from the start: Leatherhead were up for this. We tore into Ks, making an absolute mockery of the form table, and got an early goal when Anas cushioned his volley across the keeper and into the net. 1–0. We'd seen an early goal on Saturday and still lost, but there were no signs of letting up. Not long after, Jordan was put through on goal and confidently chipped the keeper. 2–0.

 

Then came a moment that stunned every player and the 615 – 615 for a midweek game, by the way! – in attendance.  The ref heard some fruity language from Ks' number nine and produced a straight red. The rest of the half was played out by two teams of meek schoolboys, all terrified they'd be sent straight to detention as well.

 

With a man advantage it was inevitable Leatherhead would have more of the game. The score could have run away from Ks if not for the efforts of their keeper, who pulled off some magnificent saves. And 2–0 can be a dangerous scoreline, so when Sonny Wheeler produced a fingertip save it started to feel like all three points really were ours. Of course, the best thing for the nerves at 2–0 is a third goal — and George Hedley obliged, rising to meet a cross and finally spoiling their keeper's second-half performance. 3–0.

 

There it is then. Three points is all that's needed, and we can go looking for it to the tune of the New Ground Klaxon — and a trip to Littlehampton…

Ks are coming!

With last night's draw the maths has become a bit simpler.  Six points - two wins – and we win the league, and three of those may come tonight as we face Kingstonian.  

It won't be easy though as they come to us in better form than AFC Portchester did, with 15 points from six games; the same us.

 

Kick off at 7.45pm.  See you there!

Hayes & Yeading 0 - 0 Westfield

A large traveling contingent of four young Westfield supporters made the short hop to West London. On arrival they were shocked to discover that they had to pay an entry fee as home games are free to the majority of their supporters.

The referee appeared equally disinterested in this mid-table clash and couldn't be bothered to start until 19.50.

Hayes were keen to avenge the 7-0 embarrassment of 2 months ago in the reverse fixture, although since then Westfield have fallen down the form table alarmingly; resembling Fareham more than their Portsmouth area rivals.

Hayes had the better of the first half (tho' this deputy reporter is very biased) with the mild mannered and well spoken away 'keeper spilling shots and crosses on a couple of occasions. The first half missed the class of a Hogan or an Anas and remained goalless.

The 2nd half was very uneventful. Neither side seemed capable of even mustering up the dark arts and housery to liven things up.

On a mild evening there will be no need for the traditional yellow and black bobble hat to appear in the mealy-mouthed post-match interview.

The draw means that we need 6 more points to see football come home…

Tanners 2 - 3 AFC Portchester

I blame myself for this one. Prior to the game, Ian Selley was kind enough to present me with a signed squad photo for sponsoring a player. I (jokingly) chastised Ian for letting go of not one but two players I'd sponsored this season (Sam Ou Est De St Croix and Logan Coles) and this must have unsettled his pre-match preparations. Apologies.

 

Onto the game, and the large crowd didn't have to wait long for an opening goal. On the one-minute mark, Breckon was set free just left of goal and he placed his shot perfectly into the bottom corner. 1–0.

 

Any thoughts that the win was somehow inevitable were short-lived, as an AFC Portchester player was given far too much space to side-volley a shot powerfully down the middle of the goal. 1–1.

 

We did manage to restore the lead when Seb went full Ronaldinho and sent in a lofty cross to the far post — but it perfectly lobbed the keeper and nestled into the goal. 2–1, but there were signs we weren't quite at the races.

 

Second half, and AFC Portchester looked sharper all over the pitch. Ryan Pennery was certainly more alert when he pounced on a ball ricocheting around the six-yard box and bundled it in. 2–2. He then made space for himself and bent a shot in from just inside the area. 3–2.

 

Leatherhead changed it up, with Marcel Barrington coming on, and started to regain some control. He was at the centre of our best chance to equalise. A ball ballooned up in the air and dropped to him in the box with a clear sight of goal. It was one of those that seemed to take an eternity to come down, so he opted to head it towards the far post. In stormed Breckon, who improvised an attempt with his shoulder, but the ball — and he — crashed into the post.

 

So, after seven straight wins, we suffer defeat, but with a healthy gap of 11 points we can go into Wednesday's game without the need to panic…

AFC Portchester are coming!

After a very respectable second place, finish in the Tanners Quiz Night, I hope to take some of that confidence into today's game when we face fifth placed AFC Portchester.

Our guests have 11 points from their last six games, and are a worthy addition to the play-off places. I very much enjoyed the reverse fixture, with a healthy support that they had on a Tuesday night.

Kick off at 3pm. See you there!

Horndean 0 -3 Tanners

On arrival at the ground, any pre-match confidence I'd built up on the drive down suddenly disappeared as we were greeted by a windswept pitch and horizontal rain. Nothing saps the quality from a game more than gale-force wind. Walking into the bar, there was a notable absence of home supporters. We did strike up a conversation with a young striker who looked to have been ruled out. I looked at the size of him, then considered the size of Niran, and commented that he'd had a lucky escape.

 

One of the many quirks of the Horndean ground is that you can't watch the game from behind one of the goals. We found a corner that somehow created a wind vortex, with the rain sailing over our heads and into the faces of the supporters on the far side, and settled in to (hopefully) watch us take three points. When you're used to watching from behind the goal, everything looks a little different from the corner, but one sight remains familiar: Hogan running clear on goal. A through ball set him free and he confidently stroked it into the back of the net. Hogan has been known to run over and celebrate with the crowd, but on looking over and seeing three middle-aged men with their arms open wide to greet him, he suddenly appeared less confident and chose the warmer embrace of his teammates. I don't blame him. 1–0.

 

The rest of the half was a dogged affair, and we were pleased to get back into the clubhouse with a cup of soup.

 

For the first five to ten minutes of the second half, Horndean rallied and had a couple of chances. We survived the scare, made a few changes, and started to dominate again. Anas was influential with his pace down the right. He won the corner that was sent to the far post to Waters, who headed back across goal for Barrington to open his account with The Tanners. 2–0.

 

At 2–0 things felt comfortable, but what impressed me was that Leatherhead were still after more — chasing down balls and creating chances. Anas again won a corner from a cross, which arguably should have been a penalty when the defender stuck out a hand to block it. The Leo Sayer look-a-like lino did not make me feel like dancing when he failed to spot it, but we were dancing the night away eventually when Hedley headed home the resulting corner. 3–0.

 

A well-fought win and three points to keep us clear at the top of the table — a useful buffer as we face a very strong AFC Portchester on Saturday…